Top Ten Governors Better than Arnie
Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents
Top Ten Mistakes of 2003
Top Ten Dating Don’ts
Top Ten Ways to Write a Top Ten List
Top Ten Reasons to be Influenced by the Debates
Top Ten Ways to Impress College Admissions
Top Ten Holiday Traditions
Top Ten Governors Better than Arnie
Recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected as Governor of California, but wouldn’t there be people (or even inanimate objects) better suited to this position?
10. A Muppet- Muppets have roughly the same level of sex appeal as Arnold, but are not nearly as conservative. I would vote for Kermit the Frog in a heart beat. “Hmm, my banjo is wet.”
9. The Teletubbies- They can transmit their own press conferences, and they double as “human” shields in case of emergency.
8. Jabba the Hutt- He would help to keep prostitutes off the street, just like most politicians.
7. Barbra Streisand- Can be used by police officers for target practice when not punishing prisoners by singing songs from “Yentel”. “Papa can you hear me?”
6. A rock- Rocks do not have arms, and therefore are not capable of molestation. Plus, they are very well behaved.
5. The Grinch- Sure he is a cartoon character, but you have to admit, he has great evil schemes. His solution to combat the fires in California would have been with more fire.
4. Weasels- Such trustworthy animals.
3. Vlad the Impaler- No one would even think of throwing an egg at him, unless they had a death wish.
2. An Oompa Loompa- They can alleviate depression by randomly bursting into song. And they can easily fit in most overhead storage compartments. Just like me.
1. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse- Arnold’s election will eventually lead to their arrival, so why not let them run California.
Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents
It’s Christmas morning. You run to the tree and grab your presents only to discover that Santa has so thoughtfully given you…
10. A Dead Puppy- What could make a child happier than to open up one of their gifts and find a puppy? Too bad while Mommy was wrapping presents at four in the morning she forgot to add air holes.
9. The Malibu Barbie Beach House- You keep telling your father that you’re a boy, but he just absent mindedly pats you on the head and says, “That’s nice Susie.”
8. A One Year Subscription to “O”- Bet you can’t wait to read a magazine about Oprah and all the celebrities that she’s interviewed. What’s that? You can? Never mind.
7. Luggage- Also known as the, ‘Hey, you’re eighteen, get the hell out of my house’ present.
6. A Mask- Either your parents are trying to tell you something, or you’re one of Michael Jackson’s children. And if it’s the latter, RUN BLANKET, RUN!
5. An Empty Box- It could be a rocket ship. It could be a racecar. It could be George Bush’s private ball pit. Or, it could be a cardboard box that your grandmother found on the side of the road.
4. Car Keys- “Sorry sweetie, but we couldn’t afford the car, so we just got you these.”
3. A Free Consultation with Your Local Therapist- You accidentally set the cat on fire while playing near an open flame with an aerosol can. If only you hadn’t tried to put out the flame by poking Fluffy with a stick.
2. Avril Lavigne Tickets- With thought provoking lyrics like, “He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy,” you couldn’t pay me to see her in concert.
1. An Orlando Bloom Poster- Who would want that no talent “actor” with lemur like features staring at them while they sleep?
Top Ten Mistakes of 2003
The past year was filled with enough problems to have most of the population contemplating a life in Canada . Hopefully 2004 won’t have us desperately searching for our Valium.
10. Joe Millionaire 2- The premise of the show is simple: Take fourteen naïve foreign women and convince them that a rugged cowboy has more money than a third world country. Sure it didn’t feature shaved ape Evan Marriott, but the premise was just as cheesy and demoralizing as the original.
9. Ben and Jen/Gigli- It’s a tie, everyone wins… Unless you had the misfortune of sitting through “Gigli”. I don’t know what’s worse, the music videos chronicling their relationship, or the movie that started the Bennifer frenzy.
8. Decorating Shows- We don’t need twenty shows where someone’s alcoholic father and his poker buddies redecorate a room in their neighbor’s home. I don’t care if you glue a live animal to the wall and paint it with glitter glue. I’m still not going to watch.
7. The Madonna/Britney Kiss, With a Side of Christina- Here’s an idea, let’s have a pop star, an aged pop star, and a fallen pop star grind against each other while “singing” a hit song from the 80’s. If Spear’s goal was to prove that she’s a bona-fide hussy, she succeeded admirably.
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- 870 pages in which Harry acts like an angsty, premenstrual little girl. Besides the anticlimactic ending, Rowling decided to kill off the only interesting character. We can only hope that Harry’s next.
5. Martha Stewart’s Stock Scandal– “Let’s see, do I want to save my money and go to prison, or lose my money and not go to prison? Decisions, decisions.” In all likelihood, Stewart won’t get convicted, but if she does we can all learn how to make a prison cell more festive. Can you say papier-mâché?
4. The Michael Jackson Interview- Lavish spending, baby dangling, “corrective surgery,” such is life at the Neverland Ranch. This self-proclaimed Peter Pan shocked the public with his over the top antics and penchant for young children.
3. Flu Shots- Don’t dole out flu shots if the strain used is too weak to kill off the virus. That’s like tying a gorilla up with dental floss and hoping that it won’t escape. On the other hand, I have five fingers, but that’s not the point. The point is, gorillas are really strong, and you’re going to get the flu anyway.
2. The Bear Hunt- Instead of learning to coexist with nature, New Jersey chose to eradicate it. After all, you never know when those pesky bears are going to break into your house, steal your valuables, eat your first-born son and take your picnic basket.
1. Operation Iraqi Freedom- Since it would have been too politically correct to call this the “I’m Going to Make Daddy Proud” war, the government opted for a kindler, gentler name. Whatever happened to those weapons of mass destruction? Perhaps they’re tucked away with Osama Bin Laden, and Mandy Moore’s film career.
Top Ten Dating Don’ts
Most guys know the dating do’s. Do express your true feelings while being accompanied by a group of wandering minstrels. Do buy thoughtless, yet expensive gifts at Tiffany’s. Do kiss her “under the sunlit sky” atop the highest tower where everyone can see you.* But what about those elusive dating don’ts?
*Only to be used in a dire situation, or if you are the future Prince of Ithilien.
10. Don’t buy her flowers. The roses you so thoughtfully purchased over the phone will only remind your emo loving girlfriend that in time everything must die. (Including your relationship.) She’ll then proceed to play “Every Rose Has it’s Thorn” for the next several hours before giving the flowers a proper burial.
9. Don’t use pick up lines. Remember, just because you coined the phrase, “I have herpes… Wanna make out?” doesn’t mean you should use it at every available opportunity. Just in case it didn’t cross your mind, STDs happen to be a major turn-off.
8. Don’t pretend to be someone else. If you tell her you’re a well respected actor who occasionally dabbles in brain surgery, you better be telling the truth. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean she’s going to choose the penniless sitar player.
7. Don’t build an effigy of her in your closet. Sure devoting the area next to your shoe rack seems romantic, but she may have different ideas. Restraining order is one. Don’t worry though, she won’t leave until you explain why it’s created entirely from Jell-O.
6. Don’t make anything. Valentines Day is soon, and you decide to paint a picture for her, or make something in your pottery class. That’ll be sweet, right? WRONG! If she wanted a lopsided bowl and a drawing of a kitty, she would have asked someone capable, like the little boy next door with no thumbs.
5. Don’t try to help. Nothing you say could ever fix her problems. Neither could arson. If she’s having trouble with her boss, don’t immediately think, “Matches.” Fire is only the answer if you’re a Soviet dictator or a crazed Steward of Gondor. Not Joe who pumps gas down at the Shell Station.
4. Don’t answer any questions. The simple query, “Am I fat?” could quickly end with a trip to the plastic surgeon. Because, “Am I fat?” may end up morphing into, “So you think I’m too skinny?” If this situation arises, just look confused.
3. Don’t act stupid on purpose. “My girlfriend thinks it’s cute when I can’t locate Canada on a map.” If you ever catch yourself saying this, maybe it’s time to stop with the, “I can’t spell my own name, won’t you take care of me?” act.
2. Don’t talk about your ex. This would also include calling your current girlfriend by your previous love interest’s name. Tanya will never be Karen, and she won’t agree to legally change her name just because you have short-term memory loss.
1. Don’t attempt to be romantic. Matching T-shirts, a sonnet written in iambic pentameter, an interpretive danced based on your relationship; basically some sad boy’s effort to become the new Fabio. Now all that’s left is for him to perform a rousing rendition of, “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” on air guitar and you’re set.
Top Ten Ways to Write a Top Ten List
Think this job is easy? Know you can do a better job than me? I’m not arguing with you, you probably can. And it’s even simpler with these ten easy to follow steps.
10. Ignore the incoherent rambling of others. Sometimes, let me say that again, SOMETIMES your advisor will find your writing offensive and feel the need to “edit,” (a word which here means erase entirely) what you poured your little black heart and soul into. If this situation should arise, there’s no need to panic, blunt objects can be found throughout the room.
9. Be as harsh and bitter as you want. There’s nothing wrong with a little sarcasm. In fact, I’ve heard it’s rather healthy… To a degree. (Zero is a degree, right?)
8. Take no prisoners. Celebrities are never off limits. When all else fails, attack an annoying pop-culture icon. After all, not everyone likes Richard Simmons. Because I don’t know about you, but I do not feel like a pony when I sweat.
7. Feel free to integrate real life experiences. There’s no reason why you can’t put what you’ve learned in school into your writing. If I wanted to talk about my experiences in ‘Nam as one of the Vietcong (A.K.A. the Jazz Hand Brigade), that’s my choice.
6. Find your center. Think “Happy Gilmore.” Go to your happy place, your happy place. Mine would consist of Pixie Stix, one hour of school a week, and tango lessons with Stephen Dorff.
5. Frolic through a field of daisies. I’ve never actually tried it, but after my numerous viewing of “Alice in Wonderland,” the Caterpillar and I agree that it can be very therapeutic.
4. Don’t think. Most of your problems will come from the fact that you’ve run out of ideas. The simple solution is to sit down, eat enough sugar to incapacitate a small elephant, wait for the sugar rush to hit you, and continue with your work. (In case there is no available sugar supply within arms reach, fiber glass is an acceptable substitute.)
3. Discover your muse. Whether your muse is named Karl, Spartacus, or Captain Sparkles, it helps to have something or someone to inspire you. Especially when you forget your name, gender, and the exact location of your sock drawer.
2. Make as many references as possible. It’s extremely important to confuse your reader to the point where they think what they’re reading is actually amusing. After all, you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart throws a sword at you.
1. When in doubt, procrastinate. It’s the night before deadline and it’s 2:00 AM, you’ve had your assignment for weeks but you never got around to actually starting it. Congratulations, you are living the American Dream.
Top Ten Reasons to be Influenced by the Debates
As October draws to a close, the American public gets closer to the day they’ve been waiting for all year. That’s right, only three more months until Groundhog Day!
Slightly more important however is the Presidential Election, and the debates that come with it. But why sit and watch numbly as the candidates ramble on about stem cell research and the uses of Lithium in building jungle-gyms when you can be influenced by…
10. Wood- Anyone need wood to run the internets?
9. The “Average” American Citizen- Fiscal solvency and approval ratings, the foremost thoughts in an American’s mind. If you’re trying to be unbiased, you might as well put forth a little effort and find some hillbilly in a Teenage Millionaire hat to ask about the more questionable topics, like boxers or briefs.
8. John Edward’s Hair- Michael McDonald said it best when he portrayed Kerry in a recent Mad TV sketch. “What are you implying, that he’s a beautiful man with the hair of a pony?”
7. The Moderators- Proof that you can be just as unresponsive without botox.
6. Numbers- With all the numbers being spewed at you, it’s hard to keep track of what’s going on. Instead, let’s keep it simple and assume that when you multiply six by seven you will always get forty-two, and the answer to any Geometry question is always surface area.
5. The Nexus- “[n] a connected series or group; the means of connection between things linked in a series…” Big words are only credible when people actually believe you know what they mean.
4. Bickering- A debate is generally a civilized exchanging of ideas, not a Roman blood bath with a time limit. No worries though, there’s always a big “Brady Bunch” ending complete with a group hug and some home-squeezed lemonade.
3. Facial Expressions- If the face was actually a mirror to the soul (as opposed to the eyes) the debates would lead me to believe that George Bush is actually the missing link, and John Kerry the real life version of Huckleberry Hound. Talk about bad poker faces.
2. A Five Year Old’s Logic- Perhaps it’s time to start acting more like presidential candidates, and less like stubborn hanyou. In a child’s world, they’re always right and the copy of Barney’s Sing-Along belongs to them. In this case, Kerry and Bush are never wrong and they deserve to be el presidente.
1. Unanswered Questions- A three year old could tell you what color the sky is if you asked, even if they believe it’s suspended ten feet above the ground. They wouldn’t go off onto a random tangent about the economy when they knew very well that the answer was blue to begin with.
Top Ten Ways to Impress College Admissions
And you thought I was going to do something about Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, the Top Ten Reasons the Pilgrims Were Way Cool didn’t play out very well. But just so you’re not kept in suspense forever, number one was buckles.
YAY Buckles!
Seniors however are focused on one thing and one thing only right now: How to make their college application stand out. But why struggle to think of something creative when you could…
10. Lie- Volunteering your time once every other year to scrape gum from underneath church pews sounds as unimpressive on paper as it does when you say it out loud. After all, you could very well run an orphanage for injured baby harp seals.
9. Use the teachers- It’s best to get a teacher recommendation from someone who barely knows you; this way, they won’t feel guilty when they have to write about what a wonderfully marvelous person you are.
8. Write a resume- The concept is to rewrite your entire transcript… in resume form. Colleges don’t bother to take note of this though because they’re too distracted by how much more colorful it is than all your other paperwork.
7. Spice up your essay- Not using net-speak is a must if you want to be taken seriously. Remember, 4 should be for, u should be you, I’s are capitalized, and squee isn’t technically a word.
6. Compensate- When you’re lacking in one area, it’s important to make up for it in another. If you have no examples of leadership, you’ll need about twenty extracurricular activities. If you’re averaging a 2.0 and have a criminal record, a few thousand dollars will suffice.
5. They sailed from and landed in Plymouth How cool is that?
5. Consider your options- You could either go into great detail about beer pong being your sport of choice and how you’ve more or less turned it into an art form, or write down that you played soccer for a month freshman year.
4. Use a thesaurus- It’s important to sound as intelligent as possible. You could also say that it’s imperative to expand your vocabulary in order to elucidate your thoughts more clearly.
3. Embellish- Why say, “I work at a pet store,” when you can say, “I specialize in aquatic animal wrangling.”
2. Make a videotape- Pushing a button is a lot easier than trying to work out the mechanics of a pencil, and it gives you a lot more room for freedom of expression. They do say that a picture is worth a thousand words. “This is the bridge I want to live under after graduation.” (Or in this case, eleven.)
1. Pay for it- Hey, it worked for the Olsens. And honestly, what college couldn’t use their own Starbucks?
Top Ten Holiday Traditions
All families have their holiday schedules, whether it’s spinning the dreidel, opening presents on Christmas Eve, or playing a rousing game of, “Help Uncle Harry find his pants,” and this year should be no exception.
To make it interesting though, try mixing things up by…
10. Rocking some socks- Literally, figuratively, or figwitively, you decide.
9. Playing hide the gelt- No one likes Kosher chocolate anyway, so you’d be doing the world a favor. And if you’d like to get a head start, why not remove it from the wrapper and place it next to the heater. Maybe by Easter it’ll form some semblance of a rabbit.
8. Singing politically correct Christmas carols holiday tunes- “I saw my parental unit kissing the physical embodiment of the holidays, underneath the non-toxic, pre-treated, plastic-ware last night…” Come on everyone, you know the words!
7. Combining holidays- Red, black, blue, white, green, gold, decorate every square inch of the house in it. And if those nosy neighbors question your strange color scheme, just explain that Santa threw up Christmas.
6. Trick-or-treating- You’ve heard of Christmas in July, so why not have Halloween in December. You can stick to the holiday theme (i.e. Santa, Elf [of Lothlórien], Menorah of Indeterminate Gender) or you can think so outside the box that no one will ever find you. (i.e. Veteran’s Day Fairy)
5. Ransacking the neighborhood- My personal favorite part of the holiday festivities, switching everyone’s decorations. Won’t those crazy old people who walk their cat be surprised when they find a twelve foot sign in their yard reading, “Happy Birthday Jesus!” in sparkly pink tinsel.
4. Having a Chanukah spelling bee- H-A-N-U-K-K-AH, C-H-A-N-U-K-A-H, F-E-S-T-I-V-A-L-O-F-L-I-G-H-T-S, L-A-T-K-E, O-L-D-G-O-B-B-O, D-R-E-I-D-E-L, G-E-L-T, S-E-C-O-N-D-R-A-T-E-C-O-M-E-D-I-A-N-S… you get the point.
3. Celebrating Ye Olde Christmas- Dress up like 19th century British urchins and patrol the streets holding oil lamps and searching for someone to affectionately call Pip. Soot marks and the plague add realism.
2. Decorating cookies- Gingerbread men are so eighth grade. This year, make world leaders. Don’t forget Gorbachev’s gumdrop birthmark!
1. Turning over a new leaf- Sick of all that holiday cheer? The presents? The religion and PC-ness being shoved down your throat year in and year out? Now may be that special time of the year when you can easily turn to Atheism without fear of persecution. (It’s not like countless others haven’t considered it.) After all, the “t” in Christmas is silent for a reason.
