I Bet James Patterson’s Books Suck
Roses are red,
Violets are black.
Try to find the hatchet
I’ve imbedded in your back.
Ode to My Quivering Loins
I wish I had legs,
That I could wrap around you.
But alas, I do not.
They were lost to your heart…
And that train.
Jurassic Park
(to the tune of the “Jurassic Park” theme song)
There are dinosaurs,
And more dinosaurs,
Turn to girlasaurs
In the park…
JURASSIC PARK!
The Twelve Days of Jewmas
(to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)
On the twelfth day of Jewmas,
My Bubbie gave to me,
Twelve bags of Jew gold,
Eleven gefilte fish jumping,
Ten schvitzers schvitzing,
Nine sacrificial lambs’ blood,
Eight kvetchers kvetching,
Seven red seas parting,
Six swarms of locusts,
Five Barbra Streisands!
Four latkes frying,
Three dreidels spinning,
Two matzo balls,
And a menorah in a pear tree!
Under Mt. Grumpus
(to the tune of “On Top of Old Smokey”)
Under Mt. Grumpus,
All covered with gel,
There lived a manager,
Who made our lives hell.
He grumped in his office,
And on the sales floor,
So all his employees,
Went out and got him a whore.
They pooled all their money,
What little they had,
And drove to French Street,
To buy him a lad.
They looked for a she-male,
And found one he’d like,
And drove back to campus,
With their new she-male, Mike.
When they got back to the building,
Everything was ablaze,
Because their boss had gone crazy,
And gassed the displays.
So if your boss is a grumpus,
All covered with gel,
Make sure you abandon him,
And he’ll send himself to hell.
Here We Come A-Vikinging
(to the tune of “Here We Come A-Wassailing”)
Here we come a-vikinging
Among the sea so green,
Here we come a-pillaging
So scary to be seen.
Loot and mayhem come to you,
And to you a viking too,
And a raaaa-rapey new year!
