Written for bookishbelle’s 12 Days of Christmas project. Read submission.

Every year I go to Target and purchase candles for my Menorah, and a Christmas ornament to add to our tree. Every year the cashier gives me a strange look. It’s either a look of pity signifying that they feels bad that as a Jew I cannot share in the fun of Christmas, or a look of confusion, as if I’m “doing it wrong”. ‘Silly Jew, you can’t hang an ornament on a menorah’.

I do this every year 1. for amusement and 2. because I was raised in a multi-faith household. When I say multi-faith I mean we celebrated both Christmas and Chanukah/Hanukkah (or whatever 6 other spelling options you choose). Some of the only Hebrew I know is the blessing over the candles, but I couldn’t tell you what it means. We’re not the world’s best Jews. Just ask my Jewish Society and Culture professor and the C he gave me.

(more…)

It starts with a dull ache that build inside of you. Your heart is pounding in your ears and your breathe hitches. All your senses are in overdrive, like they’re all competing with each other until you can’t discern one from the other. Your pulse quickens and you’re enveloped by silence. Background noise is replaced by the thrumming of your blood and the breathe leaving your body. It is like the vibration of an amplifier. Tangible yet intangible all at the same time. You climb higher and higher until you reach the top and wave after wave wracks your body. You are helpless to stop it, not that you want to. When it is over you lay there, limbless.

Once the feeling in your body returns, you get up, grab a pen, and begin to write.

Dear Cosmo,

Please disregard my previous letter. You were right. The female orgasm does exist.

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Lariren and Lúthien enter the theatre to join the already mentally tired MSTers who have been waiting for them since the last MST.)

Pokey: Two MSTs in a row Cujo? This is ridiculous. Even the robots on “MST3K” got commercial breaks and funny filler gags.

Cujo: Yeah, and they got paid too.

Mrs. S: Therefore, you should be paying us.

Dippy: Yeah, if it weren’t for the fact that this is all fictional.

Cujo: This is fictional? Oh my God, my whole life is a sham!

Mrs. S: There’s no need to be sarcastic.

Cujo: I’m not. If I were I would have typed (sarcasm) before I started speaking… hey… I wouldn’t have been able to do that in real life. That joke wouldn’t have worked in real life. THIS REALLY IS ALL FICTIONAL! OH THE HUGE MANATEE!!!

(A giant manatee explodes in the background.)

Dippy: Only in New Jersey.

A/N: to my fans: yes I know I have not completed either of my other stories and yes I did promise another humorfic but I was reading Harry Potter twilight crossovers, and there are hardly any!!

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, Kate Scissorhands, and Spider file into the theatre and sit down.)

Mrs. S: Wasn’t the last time we did this our senior year of high school?

Cujo: Yeah, Dippy couldn’t even drive yet.

Dippy: Those were the days. Way back before college, before gas cost $3.00 a gallon, before Pokey moved to some place I refuse pronounce or recall.

Pokey: I’m in South Jersey! By the time you write another MST Cujo, I’ll probably be moved again… about six different times. To a place with an even more ridiculous name!

Cujo: Awww, one day Pokey’s gonna live by the sea at EastbumblmelwmrlkSnglkdRFNglkRNlK!

Mrs. S: How did you even pronounce that!?!

Cujo (completely oblivious): I’m gonna marry the giant lobster they sell at Walgreens. He’s called the Love Lobster.

Changing History

Spider: HECTOR LIVES!!!

Dippy: STALIN BECOMES A TAPDANCER!!!

Pokey: GRISSOM PROVES THAT CATHOLICISM IS A SHAM!!!

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, and Kate Scissorhands pull into the newly renovated drive-in theatre and park. Mrs. S and Cujo get out of their respective vehicles and climb into Pokey’s jeep. Dippy and Lúthien appear, out of breath, several minutes later before piling into Brum as well.)

Pokey (to Lúthien): What are you doing here?

Lúthien: I was invited. Isn’t that right Logan’s Saucy Wench?

Cujo: That’s right InuYasha’s Saucy Wench.

Dippy: Sometimes I really worry about you two.

Cujo: Anyway… Enjoy your back to school MST everybody.

Dippy: Which is about two months late!

Cujo: You and your logic. (chortles)

Dippy: You know that wasn’t a word until Lewis Carroll made it one.

All: SHUT UP!

Sealing the Elements

Lúthien: Earth!

Mrs. S: Fire!

Dippy: Wind!

Pokey: Water!

Cujo: Heart!

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down.)

d/c: I don’t own any characters in POTO and I don’t own Gaston Leroux

Mrs. S: Why, were you planning on purchasing his corpse?

Memento Mori

Pokey: YAY! POTO!

Dippy: Actually, I believe that’s Latin.

‘Remember that you will die’

Dippy: “Series of Unfortunate Events”! “Series of Unfortunate Events”!

Mrs. S: I have to stop being so confused.

By: Vaudevillian

Dippy: Fred Astaire?

I. Post Fata Venit Gloria ‘Glory comes after death’

Cujo: Or before. Just look at Beowulf.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey’s sister Lúthien, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands frolic into the theatre. They find Pokey curled up in the corner.)

Mrs. S: Look Pokey, we brought your sister.

Lúthien: ORC! Do you like my… leaf of Lothlórien?

Pokey: They came.

Dippy: Excuse me?

Pokey: When you left they came for me. They came down the yellow brick road.

Cujo: And who would they be exactly?

Pokey: The munchkins.

(They ignore her and sit down. Pokey remains in the corner.)

A girl in Middle Earth

Dippy: Is a terrible thing to waste.

Lúthien: Especially when she can be used for archery practice.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands have been wandering around in the woods since Halloween and have no idea where they are. ALW, Writer’s Block, and chainsaw midget may still be trailing them, but they’re not sure.)

Dippy: We need a plan to capture these guys until we can find a way out of here.

Mrs. S: Well, if we hadn’t followed Cujo here in the first place we wouldn’t be having this problem.

Cujo: You were following me? I was following Pokey.

Pokey: And I was following-

Cujo: The yellow brick road?

Pokey: No I wasn’t! I was just running in a straight line.

Dippy: STOP IT! We need bait to capture them. Pokey, get us your Antonio Banderas love doll.

Pokey: >_<

Mrs. S: Why don’t we just go through that door.

(They look and see a door. In the middle of the forest.)

Pokey: Now that don’t make a lick of sense.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down. They are in their Halloween costumes. Cujo is an evil tooth fairy whore, Pokey is Madame Giry, Dippy is a dead prom queen, and Mrs. S is a Catholic school girl with stigmata.)

Cujo: In honor of Halloween I give you…

Rondavo in Christmastown with a hint of Surprise

Dippy: o_O Rendezvous is spelled wrong. o_O Christmas Town is one word.

By: jack and sally forever

Mrs. S: FOREVER!

Pokey: Hey, that’s from “The Sandlot”. (stares off into distance) Ah, memories.

All except Pokey (singing): Memory, all alone in the moonlight, I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then. I remember the time I knew what happiness was, let the memory live again.

Pokey: o_O

CHAPTER 1

Pokey: Which will hopefully be the only chapter.

Jack slumped down lazily at the kitchen table, drumming his fingers against the black marble tabletop.

Dippy: Halloween Town is supposed to be this scary, frightening place, but Jack has decided to adorn his house with things like marble tabletops and probably even a golden bidet.

It had been at least a week since that faithful Christmas Eve Rondavo.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down.)

Cujo: Dippy, Mrs. S, I’m sorry, but this story is full of angst.

Pokey (to Dippy): Why didn’t she apologize to me too?

Dippy: Because you write POTO angst.

Pokey (dejectedly): I write fluff too.

Mrs. S: Quiet. It’s bad enough that this is a “Harry Potter” fanfic.

(Cujo, Pokey, and Dippy give her the “Must Kill Neo” face.)

Blood Drips

Cujo: From the dead clown in my attic.

Dippy: Sounds like an emo song.

By: magicallittleme

Mrs. S: Sounds like a Raffi song.

I stare blankly about in my cell. White walls surround me. I reach out a finger and push. They’re padded.

Mrs. S (Narrator): The walls are squishy!

Above me, white lights shine. I immediately shade my eyes. I reach down and feel the white carpet beneath me. It’s soft and plushy. My room has no windows, no furniture. Just me in the white padded cell.

Dippy (Narrator): Just me and my sanity.

(more…)