(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down.)

Jade

Dippy: Davey, Hunter, and Adam all came to Dippy’s house and had a sleep over.

Mrs. S: Davey even brought his parasol.

By: Legolas’s Biggest Fan

Pokey: Oh no, it’s a Legomance.

The road to Mirkwood High school was dirty and grey.

Cujo: Mirkwood High School? Wow!

The wind blew her rich blonde hair violently across her face but as she made to sweep it out of the way again, she pricked her pointed elf ears

Pokey: With her pointy razor sharp split ends-

Cujo: OF DOOM!

and heard hurried footsteps advancing towards her. Her fierce green-brown eyes

Mrs. S: Hazel eyes.

snapped back down the road to where she had just come, and landed on the handsome face of another elf.

Dippy (as handsome Elf, who is most likely Legolas): There are eyeballs on my face! Get them off, they’re ruining my perfect complexion! Ahhhh!

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down. Pokey is already in her seat.)

Mrs. S: Cujo, why did you MST a POTO fic?

Cujo: Because Pokey asked me to. Don’t worry, it’s only like 800 words.

Angle that I love

Dippy: Obtuse Angle.

Mrs. S: Right Angle.

Cujo: Acute Angle.

Pokey: Snake Eyes.

All: We love you!

By: Miss.Understood3

Mrs. S: Oh look, she used a play on words. (sarcastically) How exciting.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down.)

A/N: Ok Tell me what cha think. Should I continue the story tell me! Ok I LOVE “Edward Sissicorhands” and I hate see him alone at the end so…………….

Mrs. S (author): I’m just going to ruin the whole point of the entire movie by writing a horrible sequel to it.

Dippy: Sissicorhands.

Two Years after Kim left With the Mob a 19 year-old mother seeks refuge at the “empty” House on The Hill. Is It Really Haunted? Or is some one there?

Cujo: Why are they asking those questions when we already know the answers?

Pokey: Because they’re stupid. Just like Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Please No flames this is my first fic.

Pokey (already submitting her flaming review): What was that last part?

A 2nd Chance

Dippy: Satan, please. Gimme another chance. (singing) I can change, I can change. I can learn to keep my promises I swear it…

By: darkGurl

Mrs. S: She’s probably one of those authors who makes every character in her stories a vampire. (announcer) Tonight on “Friends”, hilarity ensues when Chandler is turned into… a vampire.

She ran to the car with one big suitcase, and threw it in the trunk. “ My Little boy I’m doing this for you” She said to the car seat in the backseat.

Cujo (She): And when you’re older I’ll get you reupholstered. Nothing is too good for my little car seat.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre, but stop when they see someone sitting in the front row. Cujo comes in last and they turn to her questioningly.)

Dippy: Cujo, what the hell is that?

Cujo: He’s part of the experiment I’m conducting. I’m trying to prove if Legolas is gay or not. You see, he wandered in from another fanfic and I decided to keep him for a little while. I’ve provided him with all the Pantene Pro-V and popcorn he’ll ever need.

Pokey (scared): Is it movie Legolas?

(Cujo nods and everyone shudders.)

Cujo: Don’t worry, in the past few days he’s learned all about this worthless country we call America.

Mrs. S: So basically you’ve crammed all the mindless crap and pop culture references you know into his head?

Cujo: Precisely Watson.

(Legolas/Nancy hugs his bucket of popcorn protectively as they sit down.)

The Lost Temple of Rivina

Mrs. S: The first four teams to cross the moat and ring their gongs move onto the next round.

By: Legolas’ Elvin Queen

Dippy: Elvin? The story hasn’t even started and I’m already pissed off. Ahhhhhh!

Legolas: Hand.

(Dippy holds out her hand and he slaps it.)

Dippy: You have trained him well Pasha Cujo.

(more…)

(6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…)

(Cujo, Pokey, Dippy, and Kate Scissorhands file into the theatre and sit down.)

Jacks lost love

Dippy: Besides Jack’s love, the author also seems to have also lost the ability to capitalize the title of their story correctly. Grrrrr!

Pokey (sigh): Grammar Nazi.

By: Shyla-Omegamire

Dippy: She must be Jewish.

Cujo: Quiet you stupid goy.

Mrs. S (singing): Let’s hear it for the goy. Oh, let’s give the goy a haaaanddd…

The autumn air was cold and chill. Just like any other cold fall day. Faith, a girl of eighteen, had just opened her eyes to the cold chill morning.

Cujo (sarcastically): Gee I wonder if the author wants us to know that it’s cold out? Hmmm?

Her window was open about an inch or two. In addition, that was how she liked it.

Pokey: In addition to what?

Mrs. S: In addition to the fact that she’s an idiot who sleeps with her window open when it’s 10 below freezing.

She made her bright blue eyes focus on the distant numbers on her alarm clock. If she put it at arms reach, she would never get out of bead.

(more…)

(The name of practically every person involved in the movie flashes on screen. It is, quite possibly, the most boring opening credits ever. After exactly one minute and five seconds several flashes of lightning appear. Followed by seventeen more seconds of credits.)

A RANDOM RIVER

(A woman has just thrown her baby into the river below. A man is comforting her.)

Man: Well, I guess we can always… just make another one.

Woman: Oh Mark, I love you.

(The baby meanwhile, safely in a basket, has made its way to an underground chamber filled with rats. The scene reminds the audience of the movie “Batman Returns”.)

Rat #2: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Rat #8: What’s that Lassie? Erik’s in trouble?

(Lassie, the rat, jumps into the water and somehow pulls the baby to shore.)

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and the inhabitants of darkness. Or, in Layman’s terms, the soon to be Phantom has a mostly platonic relationship with the rats.

(more…)

(The Universal Pictures Globe appears on screen. Everyone in the audience is dazzled by its… err… sparkliness.)

THEBES- (3067 BC)

Narrator: Five thousand years ago, a warrior known as the Scorpion King taught a great army how to river dance.

Manly Man #4: This is great for my calves.

Narrator: But they had no coordination, so instead he amassed them to take over the world.

Mass of Manly Men: Huzzah!

(The Scorpion King is in front, leading the pack.)

Scorpion King: Lead with the hip, follow through… up down… elbow right…

Manly Man #8: Uh, Sir, we’re supposed to be conquering the world.

Scorpion King: Shit. I knew I was forgetting something. CHARGE!

(The army goes into battle mode. But since the Scorpion King seems the only person capable of fighting, they give up and wander into the desert.)

(more…)

(The movie starts with the Universal Pictures globe which magically turns into the sun. From there the camera travels down a pyramid, past some statues, past some more statues, and past even more statues until a man riding a chariot appears.)

THEBES

Narrator (who sounds oddly like Oded Fehr begins speaking): Thebes. City of the living, the dead, the living dead, and Barbra Streisand.

(The camera travels to a balcony where a man resembling a bloated Billy Zane stands looking out over the city.)

Narrator: Home of Imhotep, the Necrophiliac who also happens to be High Priest.

(Next, we see very tan woman whose body is painted to resemble clothing.)

Narrator: Birthplace of Anck-su-namun, the Pharaoh’s jail-bait- I mean mistress. No other man was allowed to touch her. Thus preventing the spread of Herpes and saving the entire city.

Anck-su-namun: Look at me, I’m eye candy. Out of my way!

(She walks up to Imhotep and they start playing tonsil hockey. He messes up her body paint. As Imhotep’s priests try to bar the door the Pharaoh bursts in Aragorn style. He walks down the hall and sees Anck-su-namun standing there.)

Pharaoh: The paint on your arm is ruined. I am now going to assume that someone has touched you.

(She says nothing.)

Pharaoh: What is this, “The Piano”? Why aint’ this broad talking?

(more…)

UPDATE: (4-18-04)

(Everyone in the audience is overly enthusiastic about seeing the word Wingut, but are even more enthusiastic that the previews are finally over. With the exception of “Hidalgo” perhaps.)

GLADDEN FIELDS

(Sméagol’s face fills the entire screen. He is busying himself by playing with a worm and it’s dead friend. He and his cousin Déagol are on a boat, fishing in the Gladden River .)

Sméagol (as the live worm in a high feminine voice): I love you Harry, will you marry me? (as the dead worm in an even higher feminine voice) Yes, yes I will. I’ve never been so happy in all my life. Now all we need is a marriage license-

Déagol: Sméagol! Sméagol! I’ve got one!

Sméagol: A marriage license?

Déagol: No, a fish!

Sméagol: Pull him up then you silly thing you.

(Master D- err -Déagol is pulled off their boat and into the river. Sméagol is confused and the audience is even more confused by the stern sticker which reads: If this boat’s a rocking, don’t come a knockin.’)

(more…)

(Scene 1, An Ocean/Sea/Harbor… IN LONDON!)

ANTHONY (singing): I have sailed the world beheld it’s wonders, from the Argonaths, to the mountains of Gondor, but there’s no place like London!

SWEENEY (singing): No, there’s no place like Middle-earth… err, London.

ANTHONY: MR. TODD? …Don’t interrupt my solo.

SWEENEY: Shut up kid, you have 18 billion reprises of “JOHANNA” coming up in the next hour and fifty minutes.

(proceeds to tell ANTHONY his tragic backstory, through song of course)

ANTHONY: Hey, weren’t you on “21 Jump Street”?

SWEENEY (singing): Oh that was many years ago, I doubt if anyone would know. (speaking) You may find me if you like, on Fleet Street, where I shall head now to spur the plot along.

TIM BURTON: Insert elaborate tracking shot here!

AUDIENCE: Groooan…

(more…)