With “Game of Thrones” season two airing and not one but two cookbooks for the novels being released, I knew I wanted to make lemon cakes for the premiere. The problem: I found five lemon cake recipes and wanted to make them all. This lead to the formation of Battle Lemon Cake, in which every other week (give or take) I make a lemon cake recipe to represent one of the five rulers bidding for the Iron Throne- George R. R. Martin calls them Kings in the Appendixes even though Daenerys is most certainly a woman. Psh. Regardless of the semantics, only one lemon cake can be crowned the ultimate champion of Battle Lemon Cake. Unfortunately for them, they will all be eaten.

NOTE: This page will be updated as each of the five recipes are made and tasted. Keep on eye on this post between now and June 3rd to find out the winner!

Lemon Cake #1 (Lemon Cakes)

FOR: Renly Baratheon, the King in Highgarden
FROM: Tom Colicchio’s Taste of Westeros Food Truck – Recipe Here

Just like these cakes, Renly is flamboyant, fun, and well liked, but a little pompous and full of himself. The recipe showed its pompousness by the whites and yolks of the eggs having to be separated and the cake having to cook in individual ramekins in a water bath. Not to mention being made by Tom Colicchio automatically labels them hoity toity. Putting together the batter also created a huge mess, which we all know Renly would do if he took the Iron Throne, he’s only 21 after all. Despite this, the cakes were delicious and had nice crunchy bottoms when they were inverted. Loras Tyrell might also agree that Renly has a nice hard bottom. Bom chicka wah wah. These cakes tasted much better once completely cooled down because they had time to fully come together, so I would recommend waiting to eat them until they’re cold. It’s hard to do, but I believe in you! Insert joke about Stannis preferring Renly’s body cold here. Ultimately, this recipe was yummy but not necessarily worth the time, effort, mess, or low yield amount (only 4 cakes in my 4.5 ounce ramekins). Not that many A Song of Ice and Fire fans would expect a Renly inspired dessert to last long in Battle Lemon Cake anyway.

Lemon Cake #2 (Modern Lemon Cakes)

For: Robb Stark, the King in the North
From: The Inn at the Crossroads – Recipe Here

This cake is modern, has a great bright flavor and is also well liked (much like Lemon Cake #1). Much like Robb Stark it didn’t rise as high as I had initially anticipated, but that didn’t make them anyone less delicious or edible. Robb is a rule breaker, trying to make the North a separate entity and later in A Storm of Swords when he goes against his mother’s wishes and his own promises. The cakes in my silicone flower cups also broke the molds, literally overflowing. However, these crunchy bits that ended up in the pan beneath were the most delicious parts, just like my morbid fascination with the Red Wedding. The downside to these cakes was that they were a tad fattening, requiring two whole sticks of butter to make them. But they are definitely worth making every so often since they’re so yummy, and the lemon is most certainly not overpowering. This is also Robb’s downfall, as he took on too much too

Lemon Cake #3 (Elizabethan Lemon Cakes)

For: Stannis Baratheon, the King in the Narrow Sea
From: The Inn at the Crossroads – Recipe Here

I initially aligned Stannis with these Elizabethan lemon cakes because Stannis is old school, stuck in his ways, and these cakes are an older recipe from the 1600s. Nothing modern about Stannis. What I didn’t expect was a cake inspired by Stannis would be so damn yummy. Granted, I had to poke them full of holes (a corn holder works great) so the glaze would penetrate all the way through the bottom of these dense cakes. You would probably have to stab Stannis a bunch of times to force him to be even a little bit as friendly as his brother. The cakes are literally layered with flavor, from the sweet honey/lemon glaze on top all the way down to the dense, slightly lemony bottom. Stannis is also an extremely layered individual, although it would be easy to argue that he’s harder on the surface and possibly sweeter deep down, although he has yet to show anything even remotely nice- particularly in the later books. Oh Stannis, hard to believe, but you make on palatable lemon cake. But you are a bit dense, in your decisions and when you come out of the oven.

For my friend Pietro’s birthday, he had mentioned that no cool pinatas existed in New Jersey for him to smash. Being born and raised in New Jersey I decided to take that challenge and find a cool pinata. With no such luck in either Party City or Target, I decided to craft a pinata instead, using Pietro’s favorite movie for the subject: The Rocketeer. Obviously.

Papier-mâché pinata base.

With very few supplies at hand I began to make a ghetto pinata. I built a light base out of a gift box and covered that with pieces of wrapping paper coated in Modge Podge. When there was no more box showing and I was at the end of my glue supply I allowed everything to dry. Given more time and supplies, I would have used newspaper in place of wrapping paper and rounded out the pinata a little more. Or used a balloon as a base. Sadly I had none of these things at hand.

Pinata front view.

Once the glue was dry I set to painting over the wrapping paper with shiny gold paint to make the pinata as smooth and pretty as possible. To create the face I cut shapes out of legal paper, colored them in with a thick black marker and then glued them down. The “vents” were made out of pipe cleaners wrapped in tape and then painted over to blend in with the rest of the helmet. I put more black paper on these to mimic the hollow spaces on the real helmet.

Pinata side-view.

It was important to me to add details to make the helmet as accurate as possible. To mimic this I glued pipe cleaners down and painted over them with the gold paint to create a raised texture just like on the Rocketeer helmet. The rounded area near the top was molded out of packing tape which was painted over. The finishing touch was the back ribbon so it could be hung from a tree and beaten to a pulp. Although that has yet to happen and the Rocketeer helmet pinata has instead only been used as Rocketeer candy bowl.

The Best of the Best:

Batman: Noel by Lee Bermejo
Recommended for: Batman fans who don’t mind that pussy Superman too much.

Just in time for Christmas, Batman is visited by three spirits to change his grumpus attitude. Featuring Catwoman, Superman, and the Joker, this remake of A Christmas Carol has the most stunning artwork I have ever seen in any other graphic novel.

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
Recommended for: Feminists, lovers of snark, anyone who watches “Toddlers and Tiaras”.

After a vicious plane crash that leaves these beauty contestants on an island to fend for themselves against all odds, humor takes over and gives us a wild romp aimed at beauty contests, cosmetics, Kim Jong Il, and conspiracy theories. Starring a stuffed lemur names General Goodtimes, there is only one word for this novel: uproarious.

Breadcrumbs by Anne Ursu
Recommended for: Lovers of fractured fairy tales and Hans Christian Andersen.

My most recent post gushed over this adorable tale, based on The Snow Queen (Pixar recently announced a movie!). After Jack gets a shard of a goblin mirror in his eye, he changes. He doesn’t want to talk about Harry Potter or daemons or tauntauns, and it is up to his best friend Hazel to rescue him from the villainous Snow Queen and the evil which has taken him over.

Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare
Recommended for: All fans of painful love triangles and period clothing.

This young adult period steampunk fantasy novel has a lot going for it, and not just genres. For one it has an amazing love triangle that will confuse you to the point of being both Team Not Jace and Team Other Not Jace, for another, it has enough twists to shake a dragon head walking stick at.

Dearly, Departed by Lia Habel
Recommended for: People who like their zombies to have a little romance.

Fans of zombies rejoice! Zombies now have a softer side. They’re just a little decayed, they’re still sexy, they’re still sexy! Not my first ZomRom (zombie romance) nor my last, Lia Habel adds in a touch of steampunk, a lot of strong female leads, and a debut that rocked the young adult world.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After by Steve Hockensmith
Recommended for: Regency era romantics who like their subjects undead.

It wouldn’t be a year end list if I didn’t include a Quirk Books mash-up, and this one is extra special because it’s a sequel, and a damn good one. This time we get a closer look at the other Bennet sisters, Kitty and Mary as Elizabeth struggles to rescue Fitzwilliam Darcy from a life of zombiedom. A thrilling conclusion to the book that started it all: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Fated by S.G. Browne
Recommended for: Fans of the allegorical in real life.

This novel follows Fabio (AKA Fate) as he goes about the world performing his Fate-ly duties, assigning fortunes and misfortunes to those he comes across. Featuring the much luckier Destiny, his chubby friends Sloth and Gluttony and his nemesis Death, Fabio begins to change the fates of those around him, with disastrous consequences.

A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, and A Storm of Swords by George R. R. Martin
Recommended for: People who wished Lord of the Rings was more readable.

Hands down one of the most addictive series I have come across this year was A Song of Ice and Fire, which took up three months of my time. Literally all I would do was read these books. These epic fantasies have everything you could want: dragons, a sassy dwarf, magic, and lots of main characters deaths. So much death.

The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente
Recommended for: Fairy tale fanatics longing for rich prose and a good adventure.

I’m going to come right out and be honest, this was my favorite book of the year. FAVORITE! September longs for adventure, and when the Green Wind comes along she can’t resist the opportunity to leave her humdrum life behind. Exceptional prose, and so much heartbreak, this modern fairy tale reads like all your favorite classics.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick
Recommended for: Historical fiction lovers and movie buffs.

This children’s book is told as much through prose as through illustration with large chunks of the narrative coming across visually. Following Hugo, the young boy with an art for fixing clocks, a mysterious gentleman with a tie to old films, and a mysterious clockwork creature, this novel is hands down the best children’s book I read all year.

John Belushi is Dead by Kathy Charles
Recommended for: Anyone fascinated by morbidity.

Hilda and Benji enjoy traveling around California and visiting the death sites of their favorite celebrities. Their bible is Hollywood Babylon and from Hilda’s pink hair to Benji’s manic tendencies, they are not your typical teenagers. Full of fun Hollywood trivia and a love story to boot.

John Dies at the End by David Wong
Recommended for: Readers who enjoy the bizarre and the absurd.

This strange book and soon to be even stranger movie follows best friends David and John. After using a drug called soy sauce, the guys have the sudden ability to see into other dimensions, from men made of meat to fourteen foot basement tiger sharks. A perfect blend of horror and humor, John Dies at the End will have you wondering what you just read, and loving it.

The Last Dragonslayer and The Song of the Quarkbeast by Jasper Fforde
Recommended for: British humour lovers who enjoy complex world building.

Unfortunately, this series will not enter the US market until next year, despite the fact that Amazon UK sells it for the Kindle. This novel is typical Jasper Fforde, with British comedy and the absurd covering every page. From dragons to Quarkbeasts (creatures part blender and part hyena), this is Discworld with 75% more complexity.

Leviathan, Behemoth, and Goliath by Scott Westerfeld
Recommended for: Anyone and everyone.

It’s difficult to describe why this series is so damn amazing. There’s main characters Alek and Deryn and their tragic love story, the steampunk elements of the Clanker nation and genetically engineered Darwinists, and the ties to historical fiction. This series takes World War I way past the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and into a fantastical world of living, breathing airships.

Locke & Key by Joe Hill
Recommended for: Comic book fans who enjoy lots of substance, twists and turns and perfection.

I LOVE THIS SERIES! After their father is murdered, the Locke family moves to Key house, where they discover keys which allow the user to go back in time, turn into an animal, fly, control shadows, become a ghost etc, etc, etc, etc. Part mystery part horror part comedy, all amazing.

The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson
Recommended for: Serial killer fanatics, anyone that enjoys ghosts and ghouls.

My first Maureen Johnson novel went well. It’s equal parts engaging writing and the crazy Maureen everyone comes to expect through her larger than life twitter personality. In modern day London, a copy cat killer is re-enacting the Jack the Ripper Murders, and foreign exchange student Rory is right in the middle of the Rippermania. Spooooky!

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Recommended for: Readers who like the circus, magicians, and the fantastic.

Since before they can remember, gifted magicians Celia and Marco have been pitted against one another in a mysterious competition centered around the Night Circus: a mystical, otherworldly place full of the impossible. From a tent full of memories to a floating carousel, the Night Circus is everything I wish could exist in the real world.

The Radleys by Matt Haig
Recommended for: People who like their vampires to be more realistic and less sparkly.

This is a slice of life novel about a small town British family. Except they’re vampires. A fact which they’ve hidden from their children in an attempt to prove nurture over nature. When their youngest daughter’s blood lust take over, the Radleys life is thrown into turmoil, and the novel within the novel The Abstainer’s Handbook is unable to help them fight their true nature.

Super Dinosaur Volume 1 by Robert Kirkman
Recommended for: Dinosaur lovers young and old.

Allow me to explain about Super Dinosaur and his quest to protect the mineral DynOre from the evil villain Max Maximus. He can fly, swim, and use his arms thanks to a mechanical suit. He’s SUPER DINOSAUR and he fights the likes of Tricerachops, Terrordactyl, and Painkylosaurus. This series is pure camp. In a good way.

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
Recommended for: Anyone who doesn’t mind being completely depressed for 336 pages.

Do you want to be sad? Read about teenage suicide? Feel bad for baby seal cubs? Then read about Hannah Baker, who makes a series of 13 audiotapes explaining why she committed suicide. The tapes are circulated through a complex series of instructions around the people who cause her death, making them question their choices and think about all the things they didn’t know about Hannah Baker.

The Worst of the Worst:

Falling for Hamlet by Michelle Ray (This is Hamlet we’re talking about, Hamlet! There is something rotten in Denmark and it’s his piss poor attitude…. He stabbed your dad through a curtain, so instead of drowning yourself you’re gonna write a sad poem in your journal and move on.)
Marked: House of Night Book 1 by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast (Emo vampires complain about their lives, are good at everything, and give each other vampire BJs.)
The Meowmorphosis by Franz Kafka and Cook Coleridge (Cats aren’t so interesting when they’re not playing keyboards or doing invisible things.)
The Mist by Stephen King (The movie was better. ::slaps self:: No, seriously.)
The Nightmare Factory by Joe Harris, Stuart Moore, and Thomas Ligotti (Strange things happen, thinly veiled horrors occur, no one cares.)
The Walking Dead: Rise of the Governor by Robert Kirkman and Jay Bonansinga (The dead things wilted like noodles while the reader cried like someone forced to read this prequel.)
The Zombie Wilson Diaries by Timothy W. Long (Man is stuck on a poorly written island with a zombie. Does gross things to her.)
Wire Hangers by Alan Robert (So bad I only remember there was a funny looking murderer.)

Book List, 2011:

City of Glass: The Mortal Instruments Book 3 by Cassandra Clare
Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd [edited] by Holly Black and Cecil Castellucci
Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart
Suburban Glamour by Jamie McKelvie
Fated by S.G. Browne
Graphic Classics: Oscar Wilde by Oscar Wilde
Jane Austen Ruined My Life by Beth Pattillo
Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on a Serious Earth by Grant Morrison
John Belushi is Dead by Kathy Charles
Zombicorns by John Green
House of Mystery Vol. 5: Under New Management by Matt Sturges
Matched by Ally Condie
Fell Vol. 1: Feral City by Warren Ellis
Spell Checkers Vol. 1 by Jamie S. Rich
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
Jane Goes Batty by Michael Thomas Ford
Bizenghast Vol. 3 by M. Alice Legrow
The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde
The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III
Nightmare World Vol. 1: Thirteen Tales of Terror by Dirk Manning
The Big Over Easy: A Nursery Crime by Jasper Fforde
Coraline: the Graphic Novel by Neil Gaiman
The Fourth Bear: A Nursery Crime by Jasper Fforde
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Android Karenina by Leo Tolstoy and Ben H. Winters
Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld
The Nightmare Factory by Thomas Ligotti
The Nightmare Factory Vol. 2 by Thomas Ligotti
Skinned by Robin Wasserman
Agnes Quill: An Anthology of Mystery by David Roman
One of Our Thursdays is Missing by Jasper Fforde
iZombie Vol. 1: Dead to the World by Chris Roberson
Morning Glories Vol. 1: For a Better Future by Nick Spencer
Jack of Fables Vol. 2: Jack of Hearts by Bill Willingham and Matthew Sturges
Behemoth by Scott Westerfeld
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After by Steve Hockensmith
Bizenghast Vol. 4 by M. Alice Legrow
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
Bizenghast Vol. 5 by M. Alice Legrow
Gyo: The Death Stench Creeps Vol. 1 by Junji Ito
City of Fallen Angels: The Mortal Instruments Book 4 by Cassandra Clare
Bossypants by Tina Fey
Uzumaki: Spiral into Horror Vol. 1 by Junji Ito
Gyo: The Death Stench Creeps Vol. 2 by Junji Ito
Uzumaki: Spiral into Horror Vol. 2 by Junji Ito
Uzumaki: Spiral into Horror Vol. 3 by Junji Ito
Museum of Terror Vol. 1: Tomie 1 by Junji Ito
Museum of Terror Vol. 2: Tomie 2 by Junji Ito
Crashed by Robin Wasserman
Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse Vol. 1: Birds, Bees, Blood & Beer by Ben Templesmith
Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse Vol. 2: It Only Hurts When I Pee by Ben Templesmith
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling
Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse Vol. 3: Calamari Rising by Ben Templesmith
Kick-Ass by Mark Millar
Wired by Robin Wasserman
Jenny Finn: Doom Messiah by Mike Mignola and Troy Nixey
The Meowmorphosis by Franz Kafka and Coleridge Cook
Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
Escape from Wonderland by Raven Gregory
Fables Vol. 15: Rose Red by Bill Willingham
Wire Hangers by Alan Robert
The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth: Popularity, Quirk Theory, and Why Outsiders Thrive After High School by Alexandra Robbins
Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
The Zombie-Wilson Diaries by Timothy W. Long
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente
Textual Healing by Eric Smith
Dexter in the Dark by Jeff Lindsay
House of Mystery Vol. 6: Safe as Houses by Matt Sturges
Dexter by Design by Jeff Lindsay
The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
The Walking Dead Vol. 14: No Way Out by Robert Kirkman
The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling
Dexter is Delicious by Jeff Lindsay
The Lying Game by Sara Shepard
Pretty Little Liars #9: Twisted by Sara Shepard
Falling for Hamlet by Michelle Ray
A Game of Thrones: A Song of Ice and Fire Book One by George R. R. Martin
The Mist by Stephen King
The Lying Game #2: Never Have I Ever by Sara Shepard
A Clash of Kings: A Song of Ice and Fire Book Two by George R. R. Martin
Gods Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips
Peeps by Scott Westerfeld
Astonishing X-Men Vol.1 by Joss Whedon
Ultra: Seven Days by Joshua Luna and Jonathan Luna
A Storm of Swords: A Song of Ice and Fire Book Three by George R. R. Martin
The Stuff of Legend Book 1: The Dark by Mike Raicht and Brian Smith
iZombie Vol. 2: uVampire by Chris Roberson
Wildwood: The Wildwood Chronicles Book 1 by Colin Meloy
A Feast for Crows: A Song of Ice and Fire Book Four by George R. R. Martin
Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything by Joshua Foer
Zombie Tales Omnibus: Outbreak [edited] by Ross Richie, Mark Waid, Matt Gagnon, Ian Brill, Ed Dukeshire, and Marshall Dillon
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Goliath by Scott Westerfeld
Evelyn Evelyn: A Tragic Tale in Two Tomes by Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley
Morning Glories Vol. 2: All Will Be Free by Nick Spencer
The Grave Doug Freshley by Josh Hechinger
Feeding Ground by Swifty Lang
Tales from Wonderland Vol. 3 by Raven Gregory
The Stuff of Legend Book 2: The Jungle by Mike Raicht and Brian Smith
A Dance with Dragons: A Song of Ice and Fire Book Five by George R. R. Martin
Thursday Thistle: A Fairy Tale by August V. Fahren
The Last Days by Scott Westerfeld
Nightmare World Vol. 3: Demon Days by Dirk Manning
Hellboy Vol. 11: The Bride of Hell and Others by Mike Mignola
The Visible Man by Chuck Klosterman
American Gods by Neil Gaiman
The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson
Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill
Damned by Chuck Palahniuk
Spell Checkers Vol. 2: Sons of a Preacher Man by Jamie S. Rich
Double Dexter by Jeff Lindsay
Marked: House of Night Book 1 by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Crossed by Ally Condie
Kill Shakespeare Vol. 1 Conor McCreery, Anthony Del Col, and Andy Belanger
Kill Shakespeare Vol. 2 Conor McCreery, Anthony Del Col, and Andy Belanger
The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides
Dearly, Beloved by Lia Habel
Breadcrumbs by Anne Ursu
Super Dinosaur Vol. 1 by Robert Kirkman
Abarat: Absolute Midnight by Clive Barker
Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life by Robb Pearlman
The Walking Dead: Rise of the Governor by Robert Kirkman and Jay Bonansinga
Pretty Little Liars #10: Ruthless by Sara Shepard
The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick
Locke and Key Vol. 1: Welcome to Lovecraft by Joe Hill
Locke and Key Vol. 2: Head Games by Joe Hill
Locke and Key Vol. 3: Crown of Shadows by Joe Hill
Locke and Key Vol. 4: Keys to the Kingdom by Joe Hill
Clockwork Prince: The Infernal Devices Book 2 by Cassandra Clare
The Sigh by Marjane Satrapi
The Walking Dead Vol. 15: We Find Ourselves by Robert Kirkman
Fables Vol. 16: Super Team by Bill Willingham
The Radleys by Matt Haig
John Dies at the End by David Wong
Generation Dead: Stitches by Daniel Waters
Batman: Noel by Lee Bermejo
The Song of the Quarkbeast by Jasper Fforde
MachoPoni: A Prance with Death by Lotus Rose

I have this problem where I need to follow a recipe. I can’t just make things up off the top of my head like everyone on the Food Network can. Thankfully I am pretty good at “adjusting” things to fit my needs. I started with a simple recipe for waffles and turned them into red velvet inspired waffles with chocolate chips. (I say inspired because there’s no buttermilk). In hindsight I should have made blue velvet waffles so I could quote the film this entire post.

Adapted from the non brand name box of all purpose baking powder’s recipe for waffles:

Red Velvet Chocolate Chip Waffles:
2 cups of all purpose baking powder (AKA Bisquick)
1 and 1/4 cups of milk
2 large eggs (size doesn’t really matter- that’s what he said)
1/2 cup of cocoa powder
1/4 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips
red food coloring
a waffle iron (if you don’t own a waffle iron, make pancakes)
flour, in case you do something wrong and are out of all purpose baking powder
confectioner’s sugar

Makes 4 round Belgian sized waffles if you’re not very careful about measuring or scraping the bottom of the bowl for all the batter.

Making Your Waffle Batter

1. Mix everything in a bowl minus the waffle iron, the chocolate chips, the confectioner’s sugar, or the “I messed up” flour. DO NOT try to mix your waffle iron into your batter. It should be obvious why.

If you’re like me and can’t look in two places at once, mix 2 cups of all purpose baking powder, 1 and 1/4 cups of milk, 2 large eggs, 1/2 cup of cocoa powder, 1/4 cup of sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, and red food coloring in a bowl until red and chocolatey. Add more cocoa powder if not at peak chocolateyness.

NOTE: If the batter is too liquidy (i.e. more of a pancake than a waffle consistency) add more all purpose baking powder or flour to thicken the mixture up. Thin batter = a giant mess. And pancakes. I suggest slowly adding the thickening agent by tossing it into your bowl from a high place and relying on whatever makes it in. That’s how I measure things!

Cooking Your Waffles

1. Preheat waffle iron until ready light comes on. If your iron doesn’t have one, wait until iron is hot enough to burn you. Place paper towels underneath to catch any drippage. TRUST ME.

2. Coat waffle iron with non stick spray. Make a giant mess and use too much spray. Curse the fact that it’s not easier to use a simple aerosol butter substitute.

3. Fill a 1 cup measuring cup (say that three times fast) with batter. Add in heaping of chocolate chips. Mix, until chocolate chips are completely coated before adding to preheated waffle iron.

NOTE: I worked in an ice-cream shop for over 3 years and made a lot of waffle sundaes. I know what I’m doing. If you don’t want a giant headache or mess, follow my steps. Otherwise, your funeral.

4. Add batter to waffle iron directly in center. Close lid. Heat until ready light says done or waffle iron opens without ripping the waffle. This takes patience, pretend you have it.

5. Remove waffle when done, cursing when you burn your fingers. This will happen every time, no matter how long you try to wait for the waffle to cool off. If you have common sense (I don’t), wear gloves.

The money shot. Did I say money, I meant yummy.

6. Sprinkle with confectioner’s sugar for the fancy factor. DO NOT serve with Heineken. “Heineken, fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!” Oh wait, I made red velvet pancakes, not blue velvet ones. I keep forgetting. FOILED AGAIN!

I used to have really cute mini stockings for our dog and cat (they were once gift card holders in the shape of stockings my sister found at CVS), but unfortunately our leopard gecko was left out of the equation. Poor Lyle! So with a little felt and a lot of hot glue, I bought $3 mini-stockings on sale at Michael’s and set to work making personalized stockings for all the beasties.

Stocking for Lyle Lyle Crocodile the leopard gecko.

This little guy was the easiest and the most rewarding to create in felt. Mostly because he only required two colors of felt and a marker. It also helps that he has a great smile. I must admit though I took some creative liberty with the spots and his size in relation to our other pets. I wish this were to actual size! See the non felt Lyle HERE.

Stocking for Boxcar the pappy pom mix.

The hardest to craft was Boxcar because well, he’s just so damn black and fluffy. I had to add in some dark brown for the nose and pink for the ears so he would show up  at all. He turned out more cartoony (yup, that’s a word now) than Lyle, but I like it for what it is. If they were to make an animated cartoon about Boxcar, this is how he would be depicted. See the non felt Boxcar HERE.

Stocking for Jameson the tortoise shell cat.

 At first I couldn’t get Jameson to look anything like Jameson, and I realized why. Besides her ridiculous coloring as a tortoise shell, I had given her a smiley face. And Jameson as a cat is grumpy ALL THE TIME! The answer was simply: angry eyebrows. Voila, instant Jameson. See the non felt Jameson HERE.

The stockings all hung under the diploma with care.

Our apartment does not have a fireplace, and that is the only place I know where stockings belong in a traditional sense. Since however we already had naughty postcards hanging up complete with thumbtacks I figured why not. Three thumbtacks, three stocking right by where we hang our Christmas wreath. It was definitely meant to be. =)

Every year I go to Target and purchase candles for my Menorah, and a Christmas ornament to add to our tree. Every year the cashier gives me a strange look. It’s either a look of pity signifying that they feels bad that as a Jew I cannot share in the fun of Christmas, or a look of confusion, as if I’m “doing it wrong”. ‘Silly Jew, you can’t hang an ornament on a menorah’.

I do this every year 1. for amusement and 2. because I was raised in a multi-faith household. When I say multi-faith I mean we celebrated both Christmas and Chanukah/Hanukkah (or whatever 6 other spelling options you choose). Some of the only Hebrew I know is the blessing over the candles, but I couldn’t tell you what it means. We’re not the world’s best Jews. Just ask my Jewish Society and Culture professor and the C he gave me.

My family gave up on 8 days of presents a long time ago, my last one being what I have dubbed the Beanie Baby Chanukah, where Mom got me eight days of Beanie Babies. Sometimes my aunt gives me Chanukah socks, although those are going extinct.

People often ask me what we do to celebrate. We light candles for 8 days. We put up our Christmas tree (artificial of course). On Christmas Eve we go to my aunt’s house and exchange presents and eat Chinese food. ‘How stereotypical’ you must be thinking. You’d be wrong. We eat Chinese food not because we’re Jews, but because that’s my cousin’s birthday and it’s his favorite food. The Chinese restaurant appreciates it; there are only 3 Jewish families in town.

When I was younger I was way more pro-Chanukah because it made me different than the other students. Yes, I was one of those strange breeds who thought being different was cool. (It still is.) It gave me the right to complain that there was only one lame song during the winter chorus concert dealing with Judaism and it was the awful dreidel song. (What are you implying, that Jews are so cheap they refuse to buy a $0.25 dreidel?) If I was feeling especially feisty I would comment on the offensive use of Jesus in a number of the songs. Whatever happened to separation of church and state?

I was anti-Christmas. Decorations were put up too early. Christmas songs were annoying. It was an expensive support of consumerism. We encouraged children to sit on strangers. I was a teenager, railing against happiness was to be expected. I thought Chanukah was the way to go, despite the awful taste gelt left in my mouth.

Over the years I have learned to reconcile the separate holidays with one another. I can put up my Christmas tree with my fiancee and then make latkes. I can teach him the only Hebrew I know and we can- GASP- wrap our presents in non-denominational paper. I know, the blasphemy. I can safely say I am no longer a Chanukah elitist. I have dropped my cynicism against Christmas. I now firmly tout my belief in Chrismukkah.

Since we can’t put Christmas presents under our tree due to a feisty cat named Jameson who likes tearing into wrapping paper, we needed an alternative to cover a bulky tree stand. Luckily I had an extra circle skirt laying around that matched our purple ornaments. It wasn’t getting any use, so I decided to refashion my old Moonglow skirt from Halloween. What is a tree skirt but a skirt for a tree?

The emblems: Rebel Alliance, Jedi Order, Sith Empire, and Galactic Empire.

The most difficult part of redesigning the circle skirt was figuring out what to decorate it with. Our apartment has quite a few Star Wars touches around it, so I decided to pull that into the skirt and give it some more personality. These are the patterns I created, two from the light side and two from the dark side. When the skirt is under the tree it literally has a dark side (left) and light side (right.

Close-up of tree skirt.

Our black Christmas tree has a distinct color scheme of purple, teal, and silver, so I knew the skirt needed to be purple. I still wanted to man it up a little bit for my fiance though, so I added a black star pattern to break up the purple. It also worked well with the Star Wars theme. Since the interior diameter was too wide for a tree (remember I wore this as a skirt once) I need to make a smaller circle to fill in this gap. Hence the double skirt effect. Finally, I traced the emblems onto white glitter felt and attached them to the skirt.

The under the tree shot.

This is the finished look, complete with batting on the underside to make the skirt thicker and more durable. I’m kind of in love with it.

After having been retweeted by Star Wars crafter Bonnie Burton, people have been asking me about if I plan to make more and sell these. The answer is yes, next October I’ll start taking commissions and making fully customizable tree skirts for the Christmas season. They will be sold in my etsy shop: Glitterpocalypse. These customized skirts can be found below.

Customized Star Wars Christmas Tree Skirt for Tracey.

I like baking, but am not the most adept baker. For one, I often do not pay enough attention to directions, nor am I ever able to prepare things in the prescribed amount of time. Instead I work through a process of trial, error, and problem solving skills. Case in point: I started off this recipe as an attempt to make penguin cookies.

Adapted from Diamonds for Dessert’s recipe for Penguin Icebox Cookies:

Vanilla Icebox Cookie Dough:
2 and 1/4 cups plus 5 tablespoons of flour
16 tablespoons/2 sticks of butter, softened
3/4 cup of sugar
1/2 cup of powdered sugar
2 egg yolks
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Ninja Turtle Additions:
decorating gel (black, purple, orange, red, and blue)
neon food coloring (green and blue)
turtle power

Makes 4 dozen cookies; 16 by the time you feed the wonky looking ones to the dog, throw out the ones you broke or under cooked, and get rid of the ones you used sharpie on just to see how it looks.

Baking Your Turtles

1. Cream the two sticks of softened butter, 1/2 cup of powdered sugar, and 3/4 cup of regular sugar together in a large bowl. If you have a fancy mixer, I recommend using that. If you’re waiting to get one off your wedding registry like me, use a heavy spoon. I prefer wooden because it harkens back to the olden days and won’t bend like shoddy metal spoons.

2. Mix in the two egg yolks one yolk at a time. DO NOT accidentally drop one in the sink and assume it will go down the drain like any other food substance.

3. Mix in the vanilla extract. This will be the easiest and most drama free part of the cookie making process.

4. Move 1/3 of the mixture to another bowl. Freak out when you realize you’re an English major who is extremely bad at math. Mix in one cup of flour, spilling flour everywhere and finally realizing why people have ceramic bowls in their kitchen labeled flour rather than using a bag. Stop when you have a dough.

The coolest baking item I have ever found at Wegmans.

5. In the original bowl with the remaining 2/3 of the mixture, add 1 and 1/4 cup of flour, plus five additional teaspoons of flour. Add seven drops of neon green and two drops of neon blue food coloring. If you do not have awesome neon food coloring like I do, regular food coloring will do, although it won’t be nearly as cool. Stop when you have a dough.

NOTE: If the dough is too thin, add flour, if it is too thick or dry, add melted butter. You want a nice doughy consistency. Due to my inability to read/the 1 blending in with the 1 1/4 in the initial recipe, I missed a cup of flour when making the green dough and had to add a ton of flour to rectify the problem. It was not pretty.

Vanilla dough and turtle green dough, ready to make sweet sweet loving.

6. Roll the vanilla dough into a long log. Flatten the green dough into a rectangle the same length as the vanilla dough. This is easiest with a rolling pin. If you do not own one, again it’s sitting on my registry, be super ghetto and use a beer bottle.

The part that is hardest to explain in words. This should help.

7. Place the vanilla dough in the middle of the green dough. Flatten the green dough on either side (see photo above). Wrap around and secure the green dough around the vanilla dough. Roll lightly to remove the crease created. Cover in saran wrap and refrigerate for 15 minutes. Curse your inability to use saran wrap properly.

8. Preheat oven to 325 degrees far too early.

This is where I noticed my cookies looked more like turtle faces than penguins.

9. After you have checked your Twitter and made sure it took 15 minutes, remove the dough from the refrigerator. Cut log into 1/4 inch slices and organize on two baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Laugh when you realize your white dough isn’t round. Decide penguin cookies look like Ninja Turtle faces and change game plan to make those instead.

10. Place baking sheets back in refrigerator to cool for another 10 minutes. Oven will have preheated way before this.

Baked turtles. Totes not penguins.

11. Remove from refrigerator and place in oven. Cook for 12 to 15 minutes or until cookies don’t taste or look raw anymore. Let rest for 3 minutes and then move to cooling rack. Go to bed because it is now 3:00AM.

Decorating Your Turtles

1. Once cookies have fully cooled, you can begin decorating. FINALLY!

Ninja Turtle team: Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael.

2. With black decorating gel, draw a black line around the white dough. Add in teeth, nose, and eyes with this same gel. Alternating with the purple, blue, orange, and red gel, add a bandana around the eyes.

The worst decorating pens ever. Guess which one I used a Sharpie on.

DO NOT try to save time and buy Wilton’s food decorating pens. Not only did one of the pens come pre-dried out, but they were awful and barely worked. I got four turtles horribly decorated before the black pen wouldn’t even work anymore. I even compared them to a cookie I sharpied on just to see my expectations versus the results. Pathetic.

3. Eat and enjoy your heroes in a half shell. Or in this case, no shell.

This costume was thrown together in about an hour and a half (makeup and covering myself in blood included). I wanted an excuse to wear my awesome blue/purple wig so my first thought was to be Undead Katy Perry, but then I realised that the Katy Perry-esque dress I had chosen was more of a prom dress, and this costume was born!

My friend Amy as Lily Kane from “Veronica Mars” post death and I.

Smiling dead people are even scarier dead people. I kind of look like a bloody ventriloquist dummy here. I didn’t have any lipstick, but thankfully I had a lot of grey, black, white, and blue eyeshadow which I combined around my eyes and on my face and lips to give myself an undead look. Although in this picture all you can see is lots of blood. Thankfully I always have extra fake blood laying around.

The wig and knife handle headband.

One thing I wanted to set this costume apart was something fun on my head. I initially thought of the knife to replace the heart Katy Perry wears on her head in the “California Girls” video, but it worked here too in place of a crown. I cut off the end of a cheap plastic machete my fiance used to be Dexter last Halloween and hot glued it onto a headband to give the illusion that I had been stabbed in the head.

The prom dress.

The last time I was in Kohls and saw this dress I knew I needed it, mostly because it was purple and fluffy, but also because I loved how ridiculous it looked. It was 80′s bad, in a completely good way. I knew I had to have it, and it was ON SALE. Glad my mother snagged it for me, because it gave me something to wear on Halloween. It will also double as an awesome bachelorette party dress!

The prom sash.

At my Purple Pony Glitter Party last year I was gifted with a birthday girl sash from Pokey. Having a flash of inspiration I took it, turned it inside out and wrote “Undead Prom Queen” on it in black marker. Voila! Instant, undeniable prom queen. All I needed was a little blood, which I thankfully had in abundance. Another fun, creepy, and fiscally responsible Halloween in the bag.